


Stay in the Light

by Hils



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 09:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hils/pseuds/Hils
Summary: “You have a big heart, älskling”, she’d said, as she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Make sure you only share it with those who deserve it.”





	Stay in the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Kris (17pansies) for the beta work

When Carl was five years old, he’d marched into his living room and announced to his parents that he was in love with Oscar who lived at the end of the street. Oscar was ten and played hockey for the local team. Carl liked nothing more than to watch him fly around the ice, his blue eyes standing out whenever the light caught them at the right angle. 

To his parents credit neither of them had laughed, or told him it was a phase, or told him that he was too young to know what he really wanted. Instead his mother had got down on her knees and pulled him into her arms.

“You have a big heart, älskling”, she’d said, as she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Make sure you only share it with those who deserve it.”

He hadn’t really understood what she’d meant at the time, and not long after that Oscar moved away to a school that would let him focus on his hockey. Carl had looked him up on Facebook a couple of years ago, mostly out of idle curiosity rather than any deep desire to connect with him. Oscar was back in Södertälje, married now and with three kids. From the looks of it he didn’t play hockey anymore. It left a wistful feeling in his heart, but too much time had passed for it to cause any sort of real pain. 

But of all the advice his parents had given him over the years, those words from his mother had stuck with him. He hooked up during school and college but it was only ever casual. He had hockey to focus on and didn’t want to offer his heart to anyone until he was sure it was serious, which he never had time for it to be. 

Then he got drafted by the Rangers, met Mats and for the first time since his mother had spoken to him all those years ago he wondered if maybe this was what he had been waiting for. Their friendship wasn’t anything he could explain. They’d just clicked and pretty soon they were spending all their time off the ice together. Carl got that warm feeling in his chest whenever they spent time together and it’s something he hasn’t allowed himself to feel since he used to watch Oscar.

_I’ll tell him_ , he tells himself every night before he falls asleep. _Soon. When I’m sure._

He’s traded to Anaheim before that day ever comes. 

His time in California is a disaster. It’s too hot, he doesn’t gel with anyone the way he had with Mats. If he’s honest with himself his heart is still heavy with what might have been if he’d been brave enough to tell Mats how he felt. Nothing he does seems to work and he’s traded to Pittsburgh six months later. 

_Dude! Welcome to the family! Want me to pick you up from the airport?_

Carl smiles. Honestly he’s not sure things are going to be any better for him in Pittsburgh than they were in Anaheim but at least he has Horny now so he won’t be totally alone. 

In the end, the team sends a car to pick him up from the airport and he has a meeting with the team management and head coach who welcome him and tell him he’ll meet everyone else during practice in the morning. It’s all kind of a blur really, and Carl just hopes he’s smiled and nodded in the right places. 

Horny’s waiting for him when it’s over and he pulls Carl into a fierce hug. “Don’t even think about getting a hotel tonight. You can stay with me and Malin until you sort out a place to live.”

Carl’s so intensely grateful that he almost starts crying on the spot. 

“Don’t worry,” Horny says as he takes Carl’s bags from him and loads them into the car. “I’ve warned everyone what a total diva you are.”

Carl laughs. “They should be used to it with you, asshole. At least I know how to keep all my clothes on for more than five minutes.”

Already the heaviness that Carl has been feeling has lifted a little. Maybe things will be okay.

***

First practice after joining a new team is always hard but everyone does their best to make him feel welcome. Despite all his jokes, Carl suspects Horny did actually pave the way for him a bit. They run some drills and a few of the guys goof around during the breaks. 

Towards the end he takes a moment to lean against the glass and just watch. Everyone is winding down and five or six of them are currently trying to all score on Fleury at the same time. He doesn’t know anyone really, with the exception of Horny, apart from by reputation and the times he’s had to play against them. But something just feels right about being here. Maybe he’s just projecting but he wants Pittsburgh to be home. 

He glances up and three of the rookies are currently trying to steal the puck from Malkin who is quite literally skating circles around them with a manic grin on his face. Yeah, he feels like maybe he could belong here.

“You ready to be part of our gang of misfits?”

Carl jumps. He hadn’t even heard Kessel skate over to him. He’s about to reply that Crosby is hardly what he’d call a misfit when he sees that Crosby is now in goal and Fleury is trying to score on him. Both of them are laughing like it’s the funniest shit in the world and yeah, okay, maybe they’re all kind of dorks.

“I think I am,” he tells Kessel honestly and he’s rewarded with a grin.

“I remember playing against you a while back. Your speed is incredible. I think you’re going to do amazing things with us.”

He claps Carl on the back and skates away, leaving him standing there feeling slightly stunned. He knows who Kessel is of course, read about the trade from Toronto and all the fuss that went with it. He’s an amazing player and, honestly, Carl can’t really believe he remembered him. 

That feeling in his chest is back and he realises with dismay that he is well and truly fucked.

***

“I think I’m going to try you on a line with Geno and Phil,” Coach Sullivan tells him the morning before his first game with the Penguins. “I’m seeing some potential there so let’s see what we can do with it.”

“Our line is going to be best line,” Geno announces once practice is over. He’s talking to Carl and Phil but his voice is loud enough that Sid will be able to hear. Carl learned quickly that if there’s an opportunity for Geno to chirp Sid he’ll take it. 

The thing is, Carl kind of thinks Geno might be right. There’s chemistry between the three of them on the ice that he hasn’t felt since he played with the Rangers. He’s honestly kind of amazed he gets to play with people of Phil and Geno’s calibre. They’re amazing. 

Phil knocks his knee against Carl’s. “You ready to do this?”

He is.

***

His first goal with the Penguins comes just a few games later and in a poetic twist of irony it’s against Anaheim. Phil feeds the puck to him beautifully and he slams it into the back of the net. Seconds later Phil crashes into him, holding him tight and roaring into his ear. It’s the best fucking feeling in the world and he never wants it to end. 

“That was a beautiful goal,” Phil tells him once the game is over. 

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Carl replies, aware that they are grinning at each other like idiots.

“We should do it again,” Phil says.

They do. A lot. And each time feels as good as the first. 

Scoring goals with Phil might feel good, though, but nothing compares to winning the cup with him. It feels like something out of a dream. They’re all high on adrenaline, screaming nonsense at each other, hugging and crying. Carl’s only vaguely aware of Geno taking a selfie with his former linemates. It’s only a couple of days later when he’s come down from the high and finally sobered up enough to look at it properly that he sees what a great photo it is. They look ridiculous, especially next to Geno who manages to look good compared to the rest of them. But Carl loves the photo. He and Phil are pressed up against each other, pure ecstatic smiles on their faces. 

He saves a copy on his phone, fully aware that he’s acting like a lovesick teenager, but somehow unable to bring himself to care. 

***

Of course they’re put together for the cup parade. Carl can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else for this. Phil, on the other hand, does not look happy. 

“There’s a lot of people here,” he says with a shaky voice once they’ve climbed into the back of the truck. 

Carl had learned quickly that Phil really hates having attention directed at him. He doesn’t know if it’s because of what happened while he was in Toronto or if it’s always been like that. What he does know is that Phil would probably be happy if their job just involved playing their games and then going home. 

“Hey,” he says and bumps Phil’s shoulder with his own. “Everyone is here because they’re happy for us and want to celebrate with us, okay?”

“I know,” Phil replies. “It’s just...a lot.”

What Phil needs is a distraction so Carl pulls out his phone. “Come on, take a picture with me.”

He pulls Phil in close and ignores the fluttering feeling he gets whenever they touch. It’s a great photo and Carl makes a mental note to file it away with the one Geno took. 

“You cool with me posting this on Instagram?”

Phil shrugs. “Sure, man. Do whatever you want.”

Carl fires up the app and posts the photo. “Hey, do you have an account so I can tag you?”

Carl only got his account a couple of days ago. He can’t even remember who talked him into it. It was when they were drunk during the party at Mario’s. The only other photo he’s posted is a photo of him smoking a cigar next to the cup.

Phil’s still standing close to him and is peering over his shoulder so he can see Carl’s screen.

“I do but I don’t use it much.”

Carl does a search and follows Phil before posting the photo. 

“You gonna post anything? Preserve the moment?”

He’s hoping if he can take Phil’s mind off the huge crowd it’ll help a little. He’s kind of surprised when the crowd is what Phil decides to take a video of.

“Preserving the moment,” he says with a shrug once the video has posted. 

Of course, when they finally make it up on stage, they’re invited to make a speech. Their line had been the media focus during the playoffs. Carl can already see the discomfort in Phil’s eyes when Bones steps up and makes a joke about what a privilege it has been to play with Phil. Carl rolls with it rolls with it and sings Phil’s praises because it’s no word of a lie. There is no one better than Phil in his mind. When Phil is invited to speak Carl sees the panic in his eyes and gestures to the cup. All Phil needs to do is pick it up and the crowd goes wild. 

“Thanks,” Phil whispers when their moment is over and Sid is at the front making a speech. 

For everything that Phil has given him it’s the least he can do. 

***

“Hey,” Bones says during the part after the parade. “I just wanted to give you a heads up. Phil’s a pretty private guy and he tends to go off the radar over the summer. He did the same thing last year so if you don’t hear from him for a few months don’t take it personally.”

Carl takes a sip of his beer and tries to act like he isn’t bothered by this. He didn’t expect to see Phil over the summer, of course, but he sort of assumed there would be texts and stuff. 

“Yeah, okay,” he finally says with what he hopes looks like a relaxed smile.

Bones seems satisfied and claps Carl on the shoulder before disappearing back into the crowd. 

For a few minutes all Carl can do is stand there, mulling over what Bones just said. It’s not like he doesn’t have his own plans for the summer. His vacation is already booked, he’s arranged to train with Horny when they get back to Sweden. It just never occurred to him that he wouldn’t hear from Phil through any of this. 

Finally he decides to seek him out. Of course Phil has found a quiet corner and is chatting with Geno. Almost as soon as he reaches them Geno gets to his feet.

“You have my seat. I need another drink.”

He disappears in the direction of the bar before Carl can say anything back.

“Sorry,” he says to Phil instead. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Oh, you weren’t,” Phil replies with a relaxed smile. “We were just talking about our summer plans. Nothing earth shattering.”

That gives him the in he needs so he takes a seat next to Phil. “Yeah? You got anything fun planned?”

“Oh, you know. Day with the cup, getting my hand fixed. The usual stuff.”

Shit, he’d forgotten Phil was getting surgery on his hand over the summer. Phil had told him just before the team had been briefed about it.

“Hey, at least you have a day with the cup to make up for the hand thing. You know what you’re doing yet?”

Phil shrugs. “Keeping it pretty low key I think.”

Yeah, that’s not really a surprise. 

“How about you?”

“Bake on a beach for a couple of weeks, training with Horny back in Sweden, day with the Cup.”

“It’s nice you’ll have Horny with you. Someone needs to keep you in line.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to invite Phil to come to Sweden and train with them. Then he remembers that Phil hates to fly unless he has to, plus he’ll need to recover from his surgery.

“Hey,” he says instead. “I know you’ll be doing your own thing over the summer but don’t forget about us, okay?”

Phil snorts. “You think I could?”

“I just mean if you want to text or anything you can.”

Phil looks at him thoughtfully for a second and then nods his head. “Yeah, thanks.”

Carl’s not sure he’s going to take him up on the offer but at least he knows it’s there if he wants it.

***

The day after they’ve all emptied their lockers and gone their separate ways, Carl’s phone pings with a text. It’s a photo of Phil, Stella sitting in his lap, and Phil has a contented smile on his face. It makes Carl’s heart clench

_It’s good to be home._

Carl’s still in Pittsburgh but he has flights booked to Hawaii for tomorrow so he stands over by the window in his living room and takes a selfie, making sure the view is included in the photos

_Still home away from home_

He doesn’t say that he misses Phil already.

After that initial exchange they text each other regularly over the summer. Phil texts Carl photos of what he’s doing, of his wrapped hand after surgery, his day with the cup. And Carl sends back photos of his vacation in Hawaii, his day with the cup, Horny’s day with the cup. It’s mostly stupid stuff but to Carl, it’s everything. He feels like they’re together even though they’re in different countries. 

***

_I’m cooking barbeque. You should come over._

He sees Horny pretty much every day but he’s never one to turn down free food, especially when Horny is cooking it. He’s still amazed at what a good cook Horny actually is. 

_I’ll bring beer. Be there soon._

Horny greets him with a hug and snags a beer from the bag Carl is carrying before putting the rest of the them in fridge to keep cool. They head out into the back where the barbeque is already smoking.

“Need a hand with anything?” Carl asks as he sips his beer. This is nice. He snaps a photo of Horny laying the burgers on the grill and texts it to Phil. The replies come a little slower since Phil’s surgery but his phone buzzes a couple of minutes later.

_If there’s hot dogs then we’ll talk_

Carl snorts. The whole hot dog thing is old but they still sometimes joke about it. Enough time has passed that Phil can see the funny side of the whole thing now. 

_I’ll make sure Horny gets some in next time_

He slips his phone into his pocket and sees Horny staring at him.

“What?”

Horny shrugs. “Just wondering when you’re planning on telling Phil how you feel about him”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

It sounds lame even to him but Horny, to his credit, doesn’t roll his eyes or chirp him. 

“Hey, it’s not a big deal. I don’t think anyone else knows. You’re just, I don’t know, more relaxed around him than you are with anyone else.”

Carl chugs back the rest of his beer. He’s never had a conversation out loud with anyone about his sexuality before, well not since he told his parents he wanted to marry Oscar. It’s not that he’s ashamed he just figured it wasn’t anyone else’s business who he hooks up with.

“Why would I tell him?” He finally says when his beer bottle is empty. “Anyone with eyes can see he’s straight.”

“You sure about that?” Horny asks. 

Carl stares at him, wondering for one hopeful second that Phil has said something to him. 

“I just mean that everyone assumes you’re straight too. I only know you’re into Phil because I know you better than them.”

He ponders this for a second. Honestly he’d never really thought about it before. 

“Okay, even if he isn’t straight,” he finally says. “Why would he want to be with me?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Have you looked in a mirror recently?”

Okay, fine. He cares about his appearance and likes to make sure he looks good. But that’s just superficial stuff. If Phil wanted a hot guy there’s plenty to choose from. 

He startles when he feels Horny lay a hand on his arm. “Shit, you really don’t think you’re good enough for him, do you?”

Carl shrugs. “He’s one of the best players in the league. He’s kind, he’s funny, he makes sure everyone is okay. He could take his pick of anyone.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one he’s been texting all summer.”

“We’re friends.”

Horny nods. “You are. But ask any of the others if Phil has been texting them.”

He turns his attention back to the food and Carl slips his phone out of his pocket. Phil’s obviously been grocery shopping. He’s sent Carl a photo of the shelf with the hot dog sausages.

Shit.

***

When they finally head back to Pittsburgh, there’s a nervous knot in Carl’s stomach for the whole flight. It’s been months since he last saw Phil in person and the anticipation of seeing him again is killing him.

Horny elbows him in the side. “Knock it off.”

Only then is he aware that he’s been jiggling his leg again. 

“Sorry.”

He does try and sleep. It’s a long flight from Stockholm to Pittsburgh and Horny drifts off not long after they’ve had their meal.

By the time they land Carl is exhausted. He shares a cab with Horny and collapses into bed as soon as he gets home, lacking the energy to even check to see whether Phil has sent him a text.

He wakes up feeling cold and uncomfortable, with the sun streaming through the window because he forgot to close the blinds before faceplanting onto the bed. 

He moans unhappily and reaches for his phone to see what time it is.

_Welcome home_

The text from Phil is dated yesterday and he’s aware even as he reads it that he’s grinning like an idiot.

_Sorry, crashed as soon as I got home. See you at the rink later_

It’s still early so he has a lazy shower and some breakfast before texting Horny to see if he wants a ride. There’s no reply, but five minutes later there’s a knock at his front door. He opens it to find Horny grinning at him.

“You ready for this?”

Honestly, Carl isn’t sure he is but they head out to the car anyway.

***

The way he’s built things up in his head, he expects his first conversation with Phil to be some big dramatic thing like in the movies. Instead Carl is chatting to Conor when he feels a bump against his shoulder. 

“Hey,” Phil says with an easy smile. “Good summer?”

He can’t stop the smile from spreading over his face and he pulls Phil into a hug. Nothing wrong with that. He hugs everyone. Hugs are awesome. Hugs with Phil are just that little bit more awesome.

“How’s the hand?” He asks when he pulls back. 

Phil holds it up for inspection. The scar is still red against his pale skin but it’s obviously healing nicely. Carl takes Phil’s hand gently in his and brushes his finger over the red line. Phil shudders and Carl snaps back to himself. What the hell was he thinking?

“Shit, sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Phil replies. “Don’t worry, I’m good. You ready for the fun of media day?”

None of them enjoy media day, not even those of them who like being in the spotlight. They’ve got a good PR team who do their best to make it as easy on them as possible but it’s still just as tiring as running drills or playing a game. 

All through the day Phil makes a lot of jokes about how awful the whole thing is, mostly to mask how much he actually hates it, and by the end of the day he looks exhausted.

“Who wants to go for a drink?” Carl asks while they’re all changing. Honestly, he kind of just wants to go home and sleep some more but Phil looks so run down that he’s determined to get him smiling again before they all part ways for the day. 

“I’m in,” Horny replies almost immediately because he is an excellent best friend and wingman. By the time a bunch of the others have agreed, Carl’s managed to convince Phil to join them too. 

They stick to a local bar because they’re all about half asleep after the day they’ve had.

“I so tired,” Geno moans and lets his head hit the table with a dull thud. Having travelled from Russia he’s suffering from jetlag worse than the rest of them. “Maybe I retire this year.”

Everyone laughs because at least once a week Geno jokes about retiring, usually to get a reaction out of Sid. It’s funny because Sid bites every time.

“G, you’re not allowed to retire,” Sid says and pats him comfortingly on the back. “We already agreed we’re both going to play until we’re 100.”

Geno lets out a pathetic moan but from where he’s sitting Carl can see the smile on his face as Sid continues to rub his back.

“Wait until you get to my age,” Cully replies sagely. “You don’t even know what tired feels like yet.”

“I definitely retire,” Geno says. “Sid, you can come with me. I finally show you Russia.”

Kuni snorts. “You’ll never get Sid to retire, Geno. He’s part of the ice now.”

During this whole conversation Phil is unusually quiet. He loves to chirp the guys, especially Geno, so the fact that he’s saying nothing tells Carl how tired he is. 

“You okay?” he finally murmurs, low enough that only Phil can hear him. 

He leans into Carl a little and nods his head. “Yeah.”

Carl has to push back the urge to rub his back the way Sid is doing for Geno. 

***

Getting a concussion sucks, and the first few days are the worst. He can’t do anything except lie around the house and rest. It’s boring as hell, his head hurts and half the time he feels like he wants to puke. He can’t look at his phone or watch TV because it makes the headache worse - damned _noises_ hurt so he can’t even listen to the radio. He’s definitely not up to visitors so it’s a lot of just lying around in silence. Not only is it boring as hell but it’s really fucking lonely too.

After a few days the worst of the symptoms have gone and he’s at least able to practice by himself. He’s still not able to drive so Horny drops him off at the rink and hits the gyms while Carl practices. Then, when it’s time for the team to hit the ice Carl finds a quiet room to sit in until they’re done and Horny can take him home. 

Knowing everyone is out there on the ice without him is almost as bad as lying around at home by himself. He misses the team, he misses playing with them and damn he misses Phil. It’s not his first injury since joining the team but knowing Phil is out there playing with someone else on his line leaves an uneasy feeling in his stomach. 

He heads into the locker room once practice is done just to say hi to everyone. They all have enough experience with concussions to keep the volume down and not be too rough with him. It’s all muted conversation and careful hugs but he’ll take whatever he can get. 

Sid takes him to one side and gives him a gentle talk about not pushing himself or trying to come back to soon. Everyone knew about the concussion that had Sid out for almost an entire season so Carl listens and nods and promises to do whatever the doctors and coaches tell him.

“Hey.” Phil comes up behind him once Sid has finished his lecture.

“Hey,” Carl says with a weary smile of his own. 

Phil gently pulls him into a hug and honestly it’s the best feeling Carl’s had since he got hurt. 

“Sucks without you out there,” Phil says quietly in his ear.

“Sucks not being out there with you,” Carl agrees. 

Phil gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze and when he pulls away Carl’s left feeling cold and achingly lonely.

“Take care of yourself,” Phil says and all Carl can manage to do is nod his head, which doesn’t do much to help the headache that’s starting to build.

“Come on,” Horny says at Carl’s side. He hadn’t even heard him come over. “Time to go home.”

After that it becomes a routine. When they guys are in Pittsburgh, Carl practices by himself and then heads into the locker room when everyone else is done. Everyone hugs him and asks him how he’s doing but it’s Phil’s hugs Carl looks forward to. When he’s tired and sore it just makes him feel that little bit better, even if he does have to endure Horny’s pointed looks and the occasional smirk when no one else is paying attention. 

When the team is on the road, it sucks. He takes an Uber to the rink because he still can’t drive and Horny isn’t there, practices by himself with the trainers, checks in with the doctors who tell him he’s progressing as expected (it doesn’t feel like it) and then he heads home. 

He’s still not up to watching a whole game on TV so he listens to the games on the radio and catches the highlights the next morning. He’s able to look at his phone in small doses now so Horny and Phil send him dumb pictures and Sid sends him affirming messages. It’s not the same as being there but it helps. 

After what feels like forever (it’s only a week and a half) he’s finally cleared to play again. 

_I’ll drive us in the morning. I owe you_

Horny just sends back a smiley face.

The locker room erupts in cheers when he walks in and honestly he almost tears up. He’s missed this so fucking much. 

Everybody claps him on the back, some of the guys chirp him for slacking off the past couple of weeks, and Phil pulls him into a warm hug.

“It’s good to have you back,” he whispers.

Everything else is kind of a blur after that until his skates hit the ice. It feels like coming home.

***

His first game back he’s not on a line with Phil and he totally gets it. Sully wants to ease him back in and Phil needs guys on his line who are up to speed. It still sucks though.

The game after that things truly go to shit. They’re playing the Wings and no matter what they do they can’t seem to get it together. He feels like he’s throwing everything he’s got into this game but nothing he does seems to matter. 

During the 3rd he sweeps in to try and get the puck and Tatar clocks him in the face with a high stick. For a second he’s blinded by the pain and then once the shock wears off his can feel the blood trickling down his face and skates over the bench to get it checked out. He doesn’t think anything is broken but it hurts like a motherfucker.

They clean him up and check him over and he’s deemed fit to carry on, which he would have done even if half his face was hanging off. He needs to help them claw this back.

They lose 5-2 which stings even more because they’re on home ice. When they head back to the locker room there’s a heavy feeling in the air. 

Sully chews them a new one, of course, but he’s not saying anything they don’t already know. They played like shit, they’re capable of better.

He knows he should shower and change once Sully has left them to talk to the press but, fuck, losing like this really sucks.

He’s jolted from his thoughts by a knee knocking against his.

“You okay?” Phil asks. He looks as frustrated and dejected as the rest of them. They all take losses personally but Phil is always so hard on himself. Usually Carl’s the one to talk him down but today he’s just so tired.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Shitty game, you know?”

He forces himself to try and smile but he suspects it comes out looking more like a grimace. 

“Your face okay?”

Instinctively Carl reaches up to pat his nose. It still hurts and he winces. Fucking Tatar. 

Before he can answer Phil reaches over and cups his face in his hands and leans in. For one heart stopping moment Carl thinks Phil is going to kiss him right there in the locker room in front of everyone. Instead Phil tilts Carl’s head one way, then the other, with a deep frown on his face. 

“You’ve still got a bit of blood on you,” he finally says and when he lets go Carl almost whimpers at the loss of contact.

“It’ll wash off in the shower,” Carl says but that just seems to make Phil frown even more. “I’m okay, really.”

Phil doesn’t exactly look convinced but he nods and finishes undressing before heading towards the showers. For a moment Carl just sits there, his cheeks still warm from where Phil had been holding onto him. 

“You should just tell him,” Horny calls across the room in Swedish. Carl grimaces and starts undressing like he hasn’t heard him. Having Horny as a best friend is great most of the time but sometimes he hates the fact that Horny takes advantage of no one else speaking the language to have very private conversations in front of the whole team. 

Before Horny can say anything else Carl grabs his towel and heads to the showers, passing Phil on the way. They all get used to tuning out nudity pretty early on in their careers but Carl’s only human and he can’t stop himself from taking in Phil’s bare chest, damp hair and flushed cheeks as they cross paths. Phil shoots Carl a smile which just about kills him on the spot. It’ll definitely give him some jerking off material when he’s alone later. 

Once he’s showered he heads back into the locker room and stops short when he sees Horny and Phil standing next to his stall. Phil is dressed now and Horny hasn’t put his shirt on yet, which is pretty normal for him.

“Hey,” Horny says with a cheery smile that Carl can see through in a second. “Since it’s still early I invited Phil to come back with us for drinks.”

Carl blinks, forces a smile onto his face and wonders if anyone would mind if he ‘accidentally’ murdered Horny. Tragic accidents happen all the time, right? He doesn’t know exactly what Horny has planned but he knows he’s being set up.

“Hey if you’re tired or whatever we can do it come other time,” Phil says cautiously, apparently sensing Carl’s murderous scheming. 

“No,” Carl says at the exact same time as Horny and the wicked smirk he gets in response has him back to plotting again. Maybe something involving a zamboni. 

Horny beams at Phil and claps Carl on the back. “Phil, do you want to leave your car here? You can pick it up in the morning. Or you can leave it at Carl’s place.”

“How much are you planning on us drinking?” Phil asks and huffs out a laugh.

Horny shrugs. “Doesn’t hurt to be prepared. C’mon, Hags, get dressed. Let’s go.”

***

In the end Phil takes his car to Carl’s but assures them that he has no intention of drinking so much that he won’t be able to drive. Carl suspects Horny will have a thing or two to say about that and sure enough they're soon sat in Carl's living room, Carl on the couch next to Phil and Horny on the chair opposite them. 

"We should do this more often," Horny says when he hands them all a beer. 

Phil shrugs in that easy way of his. "Yeah, we should."

Carl has to begrudgingly admit to himself that this was actually a good idea. They go out as a team a lot but they don’t really do much in smaller groups like this. He spends a lot of time with Horny of course since they live so close to each other but having Phil here just feels right and he wonders why they never did this before. 

Phil's body is flush against his and the beer he's drinking is helping him relax. 

“This is nice,” he says, already feeling himself leaning into Phil a little more than is necessary. Phil doesn’t seem to mind, though, and Carl is too comfortable to care. 

"It is nice," Phil agrees. "I'll have to have you guys over to my place some time. I can't promise I can cook you anything decent but I can order takeout like a champ."

"A Stanley Cup champ," Carl agrees with a laugh. It may have been a while ago but they still give Phil shit occasionally about that whole internet joke.

Phil huffs out a laugh and bumps Carl’s shoulder with his own. 

God, this just feels so right. Horny evidently thinks so too because he keeps shooting Carl these looks. 

"Hey," Horny says, "You might not be able to cook but Haggy and me are barbeque champs. We'll make sure you don't starve. Right, Hags?"

If Carl had his way he’d cook whatever Phil wanted whenever he wanted. If he didn’t know how to cook whatever it was he’d learn. He’s a hockey player, he’s adaptable.

“Sure,” is all he actually says.

"That's probably good because the last time I tried to cook anything fancy it ended up with-"

The warmth of Phil's body against his coupled with the booze and the fact that he's exhausted has Carl zoning out. He wants to listen, he really does. He loves Phil's stories. They're usually hilarious. But he just can't seem to keep his eyes open and it's taking every last bit of energy to stop his head dropping onto Phil's shoulder. God, he really wants to.

***

The next thing he’s aware of is the sensation of fingers toying with the ends of his hair. As he slowly drifts back towards wakefulness he realises he’s kind of in a weird position, and his head is resting against something that is definitely not the cushion of his couch.

Shit.

Maybe if he just pretends he’s still asleep maybe Phil will get bored and leave. Wait, if he’s fallen asleep on Phil, which is definitely what it feels like, why is Phil playing with his hair. It feels nice, but why is it happening?

Almost as though he’s reading Carl’s thoughts Phil’s fingers still and Carl almost whimpers because it really did feel good. Well, so much for his plan of pretending to be asleep anyway. He makes a show of yawning before opens his eyes and nearly flinches when he sees how close Phil’s face is to his. Shit, he really did cuddle in after he fell asleep.

“Uh, sorry,” is all he can manage to say.

“Feel better after your nap?” Phil asks. 

He knows he should move. Accidentally falling asleep on him is one thing, lying on half on top of him now that he’s awake is something else entirely. Phil doesn’t seem to mind though so maybe he can stay like this for just a little bit longer.

"Horny had to go," Phil says, his voice soft and gentle. "He told me to just wake you up but you looked pretty peaceful."

He knows he should be mortified, and he absolutely knows that he’s going to have a string of texts from Horny on his phone when he looks at it, but he still can’t bring himself to move. 

"I'm really sorry." He forces himself to sit up even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. 

Phil shrugs. "I didn't mind. You looked like you needed the sleep. How are you feeling?"

Honestly, his neck hurts from the weird angle and he's missing Phil's warmth but he shrugs. "I'm fine."

Phil doesn’t look like he entirely believes him but he nods.

“Listen, I need to call a cab. Horny was pretty generous with the whiskey while you were asleep but I’ll be out of your hair soon and you can go to bed.”

“Why don’t you just stay here?” The words are out of Carl’s mouth before he’s even realised what he’s saying. He blames it on the fact that he’s warm and comfortable and Phil is still pressed up against him which feels so damn good. 

“I don’t want to intrude,” Phil says but there’s a small smile on his face that says he’s actually quite happy where he is. Huh. 

“It’s not an intrusion,” Carl says and he’s aware Phil is toying with the ends of his hair again. “I’ve got a bed. Uh, a spare bed, I mean.”

Phil’s smile spreads into a smirk and Carl shivers. Is this really happening?

“You know, Horny said something to me while you were asleep,” Phil says. 

Oh, Jesus.

“Horny’s full of shit,” Carl replies weakly. “I wouldn’t listen to anything he says. I don’t.”

Phil kisses him. It’s gentle and chaste, like he’s testing the waters to see how Carl is going to react. 

And just like that it’s as though a switch has been flipped. Carl kisses back, maneuvering Phil so he can climb into Carl’s lap, deepening the kiss and running his hands down Phil’s chest. It feels so fucking good that for a minute he’s worried he’s going to come in his pants before they get even close to any sort of nudity. 

Phil groans, his hands raking through Carl’s hair as they explore each others mouths and bodies. 

“You said something about a bed?” Phil finally pants when they pull apart for more than a couple of seconds. 

Carl can feel Phil’s erection digging into him and honestly, he’s praying that this isn’t some fucked-up, elaborate dream.

“Hey,” Phil says, dipping his head so he can meet Carl’s eyes. “You okay? If you’re having second thoughts…”

“No,” Carl says immediately. “I want this. I want you. I just...never expected this, you know?”

Phil slides off him and Carl almost whimpers at the loss.

“You know what Horny said while you were asleep?” Phil asks, brushing his thumb over Carl’s knuckles. 

Carl rakes his free hand through his hair. “No, what with me being asleep and everything.”

“He told me you didn’t think you were good enough for me, which I know can’t be true.”

Carl huffs out a laugh. “Why does everyone think this is so ridiculous? Phil, you’re amazing. God, even without the hockey you’re funny and kind. You’re always so hard on yourself but you always make sure to look out for everyone else. Why would I think I deserve someone like you?”

“How about because you’re the same. You’re funny, kind, you make sure I’m okay when I’m beating myself up over something dumb I did on the ice. When I was recovering from my surgery your texts made me smile every day. That’s why this will work. We’re the same, and we complement each other.”

Carl stares at him for a moment, his brain taking a second to process the words he just heard. 

“I love you.”

Fuck, he hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that. 

Phil stares back for a second and then his mouth curls into a soft smile. 

“Well, that works out nicely then because I’m kind of a bit in love with you too.”

He leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to Carl’s lips.

“Now, what was that you said about a bed?”

Carl gets up from the couch and pulls Phil to his feet, leading him upstairs to the bedroom. He can’t help but feel that this is what his Mamma meant when she told him to give his heart to someone who deserved it. Because now that he’s here he can’t think of anyone more worthy than Phil. 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've read loads of Phil/Carl fics where Phil is all insecure and doesn't think he's good enough for Carl. I wanted to play around a bit and try it the other way around. This was only supposed to be a short bit of fluff and then feelings and ALL of the pining happened.


End file.
